9 of the worst things you can say in an interview:
- ‘Nice dress – it really shows your tits off’
- ‘Do you mind if I use the bathroom? I’m so nervous I’m about to shit a brick.’
- ‘Blimey – did someone have garlic for dinner last night?’
- ‘Don’t worry about that – how’s my hair?’
- ‘You really remind me of my ex.’
- ‘Pull my finger.’
- ‘My weaknesses? That you can’t improve on perfection.’
- ‘Can I touch your beard?’ (NB. Definitely avoid this one with women)
- ‘Describe myself in 3 words? OK good question, well I would start by saying that I’m a good listener, and that I’m professional, and hmmm, well, OK this is tricky, how about being able to produce world class documentation? Yes that’s it if I could describe myself in just 3 words I would say – I’m a good listener, I’m professional and that I produce world class documentation.’
9 of the worst things you can do in an interview:
- Fart in the lift. Or the room. Or in fact anywhere.
- Not listen to the question being asked and simply ramble on about how wonderful you are, even if you are in fact a really smashing person. Which I know you all are. Well, at least 2 and a half of you. Anyway sorry – what was the question?
- After shaking hands with the interviewer(s) get out your hand sanitizer and apply liberally.
- Refuse the offer of a glass of water, and then pull out a can of Special Brew from your bag.
- Put your feet on the desk.
- Wear shorts, sunglasses and flip-flops. (Unless you are going for a job as a life guard in which case this is entirely appropriate)
- Expel any bodily fluid in the lift. Or in the room. Or in fact anywhere.
- Try to high five the people interviewing you after you give what you think is a particularly good answer to one of their questions.
- Blow the interviewer a kiss as you leave.
And finally a joke. From Jim.
Interviewer: What is one of your weaknesses?
Interviewer: That’s not a weakness
Interviewee: I don’t give a f*ck what you think